97 - No Ride

A woman was driving along, and her car broke down. She decided
to hitchhike to the nearest gas station. A truck driver hauling a
load of chickens pulled up.

The driver asked, "Hey, little lady, need a lift?"

"Yes, my car broke down, and I need a ride to the nearest gas
station."

The driver replied, "OK, but first you have to fuck me! No fuck,
no ride."

She said, "I'm sorry, I don't need a ride that badly."

So the driver pulled away. All this time, the driver had a
parrot on his shoulder. The parrot started saying, "No fuck,
no ride! No fuck, no ride!"

The driver said, "You had better shut up, bird, or I'm gonna
throw you in back with the chickens!"

About two miles down the road, the parrot said, "No fuck,
no ride!"

So the driver slammed on the brakes and threw him in back
with the chickens! About two more miles further down the road,
the driver heard sirens and saw flashing lights, so he pulled
over. He got out of the truck and approached the officer.

"What's the problem, officer. I wasn't speeding was I?"

The officer said, "I wasn't pulling you over for speeding.
I just wanted to inform you that you have a parrot throwing
chickens out the trailer screaming, "No fuck, no ride! No fuck,
no ride!"

96 - Contagious

So this teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling
them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can
use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands.
"Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids
with mumps, 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher.
Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious,"
and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"

Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the
class. (and she really doesn't want to call on Little Johnny) "Yes,
Johnny?" she says.

Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw
our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny
little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up
and down the fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that
cunt ages to finish that fence."

95 - Leave me

"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live
without me, and she wants to marry me."

"And you're asking my permission to marry her?"

"No, I'm asking you to make her leave me the fuck alone."

94 - Salty

Little Mary comes home from playing at Johnny's house.
"Hey Mom, guess what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut"

Mom is understandably confused for a second, then asks,
"What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?"
"No silly, it's salty"

93- Revenge

Little Johnny was sitting in his bedroom feeling really depressed. In
walked his dad and asked,

"What's up son?"

Johnny replied,

"Dad, I really need to get laid. I'm really horny!"

With that the father pulled $100 from his wallet and said,

"Here you go son, go in to town tonight and have a good time."

"Great!" said the boy and off he went.

The next day Little Johnny is in his room feeling good. In walks the
old man again and asks,

"How did you do last night?"

Little Johnny answers,

"Hey dad, I got laid last night and I've still got the $100."

"Wow son, how did you manage that?" his father asked with interest.

"Well," said the boy, "I went in to town like you told me and I met
grandma there and told her what I was up to and she took me to her
place and fixed me up."

The fathers jaw dropped and he shouted,

"What! You screwed my mother!"

Little Johnny said,

"Why not dad? You screw mine!"

92- The Call

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a
round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his
wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming
around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones
home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."

After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle
Fred, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone,
run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to
Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside
the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes
back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then
she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and
now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"

"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he
jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he
must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to
clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now
he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"